It is a laid back Sunday morning. Finally the hostile weather of Ahmedabad cooling down a bit, along with the anti narendra modi tirade of the media! As I was sipping the cuppa coffee and switching on the channels, the new moods ad appeared! Some creativity! The suppandi type smirk of the plumber, as he bends down the sink and discovers the cover of the prophylactic (since this blog is open for all, some words suo motu is being discarded, but may reappear without warning elsewhere!) and the smug look of the grand ma and grand pa (post satisfactory bliss?); the amused look of the airhostess wondering how and why of the moods in the plane toilet and getting enlightened with the symbol ; the bewilderment of the mountain climber on the top of the Everest as a moods wrapper covers his eye glasses, cranked my memory gears and propelled me back to circa 1984!
For the uninitiated, this day 4th December, 1984 was a red lettered day for my friend HEMU and a permanent night of embarrassment for me! HEMU is a dear friend of mine, a gujju brought up in the punju heartland of Delhi, a barsati dweller, product of Hansraj and a good gorilla! The airtel ad “hare k friend zaroori hota hai – friend who troubles you for help at 2 am in the night!”, though the ad wasn’t created then, he is the friend shown therein! A strange combination of SOB (South Indian orthodox Brahmin) and a gujju by waist and puju by heart! Ahmedabad was the place where the twain met! More of their escapades later!
The marriage of HEMU with his long wooed beau Takshashila was solemnized on the 4th Dec 1984. The festivities went on during the day, baratis came, danced their bit, clogged the road, prohibition was tossed in the air and a very inebriated crowd finally decided to let the newly wed enter the blissful matrimony for the night!
Their new nights began and my nightmare was to follow!
HEMU incidentally was my neighbor then and he had decided to have his nuptials on the pristine confines of his house! Fine, each according to his whims, so long it was not in my house! A very tired and battered self was trundling up the stairs when HEMU in a conspiratorial whistle ( a low tenor coming from the deep bowels) hauled me to his house! He caught me by the shirt and whispered in my ears “man forgot the essentials, get them for me!” I blinked at first, questioned him what did u forget? The he bellowed in my ears “condom”, I heard it as cardamom and retorted, bugger not a good idea, cardamom will suppress procreation! (May be Shah rukh khan was not so wrong in Ra one!) He pummeled me and said “enough of the banter, get going before the night is lost”.
It was a dark winter night and much before the global warming hysteria had set in. It was biting cold with few buildings around in the area for comfort. As it was around 10 pm most shops had shut for the night. Like king vikramaditya, in search of the ghoul, I went in search for a prophylactic, to be used by a ghoul, who had the gall to summon for the services at the god forsaken hour! I walked a good half a kilometer, cursing HEMU all the way. Finally I reached the famous Tambool Panvala at vijay char rasta in Navrangpura. More disaster on store! The shop was packed with young couples chewing the pan like the cow with the cud. I managed to push myself through the crowd and with eyes wide open scanned the goodies around. Too many people around and suddenly the voice was lost! The fat bhaiya at the till raised his eyebrows quizzically and I couldn’t bring the magic words. He looked at me and asked “Bristol ya wills? I recoiled at it, ( poor soul who had promised his mum at a tender age of 9 not to drink, smoke for life – unfortunately no heavenly sound reverberating “Bhishma Bhishma” and showering flowers) but wiser counsel prevailed and said wills (Bristol being smoked by Mr. Vyas in the office and stinking up the whole cabin!). He handed me a wills with a piece of mint and I continued to stare at him. The crowd around me didn’t show any signs of moving away and the girls were too close for comfort almost breathing down my back! I bought a pack of parle G, two éclairs and suddenly felt I would be running out of funds soon! I fidgeted and contorted my fingers and toes, in the process breaking up the wills into two and spilling the tobacco on the floor. Finally summing up all the confidence and courage at the disposal, clearing the throat furiously, I thought I said the magic words “Bhai saab, durex dheejiye” but only I found a warm mist floating out of my mouth with the words having died in the oral cavity! The panwala bhaia got impatient and wild – a customer wasting precious space and not buying any healthy products like pan masala – paan, cigarette pack is bad for business! Finally he saw my eyes darting furiously behind him trying to ferret out the package I was sent for. He was the typical description of the hindi villain given by the proverbial hindi heroes “ jab das suvar ko marte hai to shakal paida hota hai!” The mean bugger bellowed loudly, “kya saab condom chahiye kya ? sharmate kyo ho, mango jorse!” The manibens and damsels around me giggled wildly, the men folk giving me a smirk and I cursed HEMU for the humiliation and wished for a sita devi like remedy with the earth caving me in! With a demure look and bowed head which would have but a new bride to shame, I put the money on the counter mumbled “durex” and without even bothering to collect the change bolted out with the contraband in my hand.
The return journey was done at speed, which would have given Hussein bolt a complex. I almost broke up the door, thrust the packed into the hands of HEMU and pronounced the famous four lettered UK brand name followed by U!
For a few months I scrupulously avoided going by that Pan shop area – the wounds were too fresh! But since then like the hackneyed cliché “much water has flown in Sabarmati – Narmada” . No longer a skinny SOB, but a SLOB matching the panwala girth to girth, waist to waist, belly to belly, I stare straight into his eyes and with a deep bass – Neil diamondesque voice call for the goodies in all kinds of assortment! The panwala is still the same, but smirk is gone! Quite a transformation over the years!
So HEMU my friend, wishing you many happy returns of the day and to celebrate the 27th Anniversary of my first purchase of a prophylactic, tonight I will go to Tambool and bellow out the order! But the pleasure will be mine for tonite!
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